Opening Up

Warning: this gets a little cookoo. And long. I love anyone who has the patience to read all this.
Charlie and I ran into two of my high school friends last night. One of them some of you know, Michelle the Bridesmaid who had a cruch on Jamison. We ran into them at Target and decided to drive to Barnes and Noble to chat. When we got there, they said that they had talked about how a lot of people in high school have changed. And a lot have. I mean, I don't talk to Taylor anymore she changed so much. Or was she like that all along....???.... Anywho, they said I was one of the only ones they thought had changed for the better. Which of course made me feel good. And I agree, I have changed for the better. I mean you guys think I'm sensitive and out there NOW???!!!!??? Until Charlie and Church and you guys I was CONFUSED at best. I wasn't really a let's have sex, let's drink and do drugs type. Because I take great pride in being an anti statistic. I saw what became of my family members and said uh huh, no way. But I was just lost and didn't know what life was a bout and all that. Many MANY environmental factors changed me. Like I said Charlie, God, Church, Charlie's family. I remeber when I first began spending time with them, I was amazed at how NICE they were to eachother. We would go shopping and Jeanette would ask Mimi if she had enough time to look around. We would go out to eat and everyone would ask how eachother's food was... I was amazed anyone would ever care if my alfredo was good. And they smiled at eachother and exchanged witty banter. I remember going out to eat with my family when I still lived at home and being afraid of making eye contact with my step mom, of saying the wrong thing with my step mother. I have thankfully forgotten a lot of details about my past but one thing I do vividly rmember is how horrible a feeling it is of being afraid of every move, that you are only seconds away from being put in your place. Another memory that really got the ball moving for Diana's transformation to how wonderful life can be is meeting you guys. I remember being amazed that such a diverse group could have so much love and consideration for eachother. I remember the warmth of Sipper, the way Mullins looks people in the eye. Mostly I remember something Jamison did while we were playing mini golf (or put put where I come from.) Larissa tripped on something and fell down. I laughed about it, something I feel guilty for to this day, but Jamison went rushing to her side. He was so concerned that she had hurt herself and I had NEVER seen a husband show so much love to his wife. It's sounds like such a simple thing and it's hard for me to describe the exact feeling, but I think that's what taught me to care for people correctly. As apposed to what my parents had inadvertantly taught me, that marriage was about manipulation and oneing up the other. It's like something snapped in me that night. Well anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for teaching me those small lessons that got me thinking about so many things. You all may not realize it, but you helped lead me to God, to a happy marriage, and away from my past.
On a less optimistic note, I'm getting a little sick of my family's games. Everytime I see my stepbrother he's yelling at me about never visiting my step mom (always while stoned, of course), my step sister is completly bi polar and I never know if she wants to be my friend or kill me, my step mom is hateful and makes up things and my dad just goes along with it. The other day my father reminded me of this one time they put this dead racoon in a box and told me to go look in it. I thoght it would be something neat and it was a dead stinky animal and they all laughed at me when I cried. I mean they're just cruel! Anyway, I'm sick of their games. For instance, apparently the other night Charlie and I saw them in Wal-Mart and turned and walked the other way. Totally didn't even see them, but now it's this big deal. Since everyone is mad at me now, I've tried to explain that we didn't see them but no one believes me, and I get the feeling, allthough I'm jumping to conclusions here, that Dad believes her. Which is so typical. He always believes her. I think that my issue isn't that my step mom was horrible for so many years, it's that my FATHER always looked the other way and still does, but still expects me to call her and exchange pleasentries. My point is, I'm trying to move on but this CRAP just ends up finding me. Like my step brother at my rehersal dinner. The fact that he was there and telling everyone about his issues and stealing money didn't bother me, it's that everyone felt sorry for me. I HATED that. And about a week ago he came to where I work and chewed me out. RUDE! I can't wait to get away from here so I won't have to deal with all this childish behavior. My dad's just going to have to deal with it. I ran away in the first place so they couldn't take they're stuff out of me and they still do and I've just about had enough!
So sorry to unload on you guys but I needed to get a lot of that off my chest. I feel better now. Good night.
:) I love you guys
Diana