Thursday, August 31, 2006


I've been struggling all morning about whether or not to post this. But, I really need to just go ahead and say what I need to say and stop typing things then deleting them.

I was sitting on the couch last night, trying to relax when Rachel asked me if I wanted to hold Noah. I cringed at the thought. In fact, the thought of holding him made me almost angry. Why couldn't I just be left alone? I felt tired and irritable. I know part of it is the chronic sleep deprivation, but I also know that something's wrong with me.

I have awful thoughts about him sometimes. I don't know why, but I didn't have those kinds of thoughts about Luke. It was probably because I worked nights and I was sleeping during the day. I don't know what changed, but I can't seem to get close to Noah.

It's not like this constantly, just sometimes. But, I find myself not wanting to touch him or hold him or play with him. Rachel and I talked about this for a while last night. She's helping me a lot. She has had no PPD whatsoever with Luke or Noah, so she's a good example and a pillar of strength for me.

I just need prayers, please. I know it's a problems and I'm working through it. Fortunately, it seems to be pretty mild depression, so hopefully it won't last long. Y'all just pray for me and talk to me about it. I already feel so much better just telling Rachel and then telling my friends.


Brewster said...

This is my number one fear about having children. the truth is I really like my free time. I love to e-mail to write, to blog, and watch movies.

I know when I have a child I will not have the time to do those things as much. I wonder if I will resent my child for taking up all of my time.

Saying that I think what you are feeling is natural. Especially with a new born, who really need more of your attention. Especially with multiple children who eat up more of your time.

I would suggest maybe working out some trade off times for the two of you where maybe Rachel watches them both for an hour and allows you to relax, and then maybe the next day you can do that for her. Or maybe a mother can take the kids for a night now and again. But that is just a childless guys suggestions.

Will pray for you. Well will continue to pray since we already pray for you, but will get more specific too.

bigsip said...

Thanks, Brew.

The fact is, I get plenty of time to myself. This is just something that has come up.

Fortunately, I know what's going on in my head and I can do something about it. That's why I'm talking it over with God, Rachel, and y'all.

Also, y'all don't worry too much about my bad thoughts toward Noah. I'd never act on them. They aren't "real". But, I do find myself crying often because of the thoughts.

This is way more theraputic than I could have imagined, btw.

Jamison said...

I think that your feelings are not uncommon. What is uncommon is a wife and group of friends that you have where you feel comfortable telling us this. I think other men with these thoughts just keep it bottled up for fear of what others will think of them. I find the art of confession, or at least unloading some baggage, refreshing and helpful and I think you have done 10 times more than what most men (or women) do when they are faced with what you are dealing with.

Sip, you know never to be afraid to tell us anything. Blogging something more personal may not be a grand idea, but you know you always have a phone or an email address ... not to mention a wife right next to you.

Brew, perhaps your reasons are my reasons too for not feeling bad about not having a kid yet. I love to travel on a whim, or on a plan. I love the childless freedom I have. But I really dont think if we have kids (you or I) that we will resent it. I have seen many people like me have kids and they dont (appear to) regret it.

Sip, maybe in your mind you feel like you loved Luke for so long that you think you could not possibly love another child as much... perhaps your mind is confused and doesn't want to make the effor tot love another human as much as you loved Luke... psyicologically, this sounds normal, to me anyway, and with time and pray I am sure you will look back on these thoughts and wonder why you had them at all.

bigsip said...

Thanks, Jamison.

I hope y'all aren't uncomfortable with me posting this.

I'm bad on the phone and I didn't want to email because then everyone just sends a "Reply to Sender" when I really want "Reply to All".

Heck, before I wrote this here, I was just going to start writing an essy or article or book about it just to get it out of me and in the open.

I feel so much better just talking about it.

Part of what you said about trying to love Noah like Luke strikes a chord. I have thought about that and it has a little to do with how I feel.

But, I think overall the problem is just my brain's way of dealing with a new situation. I'm in this state of denial about our new child. The fact that the situation is real makes me angry, but soon I'll come to fully accept that the situation exists and I'll be fine.

So, it's not Noah, really, but the newness of my life that is depressing to me. And now, I have to deal with that. Fortunately, I have a Father, wife, and friends to chare with and who will not judge but help me.

That makes the whole thing that much easier to bear.

Brewster said...

You will be fine. It always takes time to adjust to new things, and a new child is a major deal.

I know I'll be fine too once a kid arrives, but thinking about it now scared the bejeebus out of me

Jamison said...

FYI we missed yall at church last night. I wanted to leave after class and just go to yalls house... I had a hankering to see Luke.
But the wife didnt wanna leave early. Needed adult time i reckon.

bigsip said...

I was never scared with Luke or Noah when Rachel was pregnant. That's one of the reasons this has taken me by surprise.

I think I'm on the up-side of the depression now. Admitting to it and talking about it is one of the final, clinical stages in purging the depression.

The prayers will be a big help, I'm sure, too.

bigsip said...

Yeah, Rachel and I were both fairly exhausted.

I wish y'all had stopped by. We miss seeing y'all. But, we'll be back in a few weeks. No worries!

bigsip said...

BTW, Rachel told me a minute ago that her book What to Expect When Expecting said that 62 percent of men have some sort of baby blues.

Diana said...

Sipper, I want you to know you have my love, prayers, and support.
I'm going through something very similar that I can't seem to get a handle on. I really don't like it because I'm not used to being sad. The idea of being around a lot of people scares me, I just want to sleep all the time, I keep freaking out in school. In two weeks, I start a 3 week intership and I just don't know how I"m going to be around kids.
I love you, brother. I know you'll be fine. You're a great daddy.

Charlie said...

Sorry to hear that you're feeling down, man. I'll be thinking about and praying for you.

bigsip said...

Di, Charlie...thanks :)

I'm feeling much better today.
After I posted on here yesterday, I made up my mind to go home, hold Noah, and tell hime I'm sorry.

I just wanted to make it up to hime somehow. It helped a lot. I now find that I want to be around him more and his crying and other mannerisms aren't so unearable.

BTW, I want y'all to know that the things I thought about doing wouldn't have killed him, but could have potentially hurt him. I also would never have followed through with any of them, or at least I don't think I would have.

Either way, we're all doing some better.

Thanks for the prayers. Keep them coming.

Di, I hope you and Charlie can find your way to the other side of your own depression soon.

We love and pray for y'all, too.

Diana said...

Thanks, Sipper.

I just want to have a good cry and give you a great big hug.

I love you.

mullinz8 said...

I love you Sipper.

You’re a good father.
I’m convinced you’ll be a good father until you take your last breath.

What you have felt, sorry for the delay, is natural. Continuing to feel this pressure is natural, everyone does it to some extent. You’re life has taken another drastic change and this time you’re in the middle of it. You stated that with Luke you were working nights and because of that schedule you missed a lot of the typical stuff new parents have to deal with. You were able to work and function on your own largely because you had to sleep when others were awake and dealing with the awakened world.

I’m sorry to slant the non childrened guys but this has nothing to do with a lack of personal time. This is sort of a relationship issue, not between the parents but to the new person that is now in the picture. It’s 100% natural to NOT instantly bond with a child; this can be true for mothers too. I’ve heard it can be alternate forms of jealousy, guilt, or resentment, sometimes it’s frustration at the simple idea of things not being like they were, where everything was in place and the norm is disrupted. Knowing about (as little as I do) Josh’s world I could see this being an issue. That noisy, stinky, fussy, slob has altered my routine! These are not emotions as we typically see them and therefore do not fall into the usual definitions. When the rest of you have a kid you’ll learn that there is a something you feel that doesn’t know how to be explained with words.

Still, I have felt shades of these feelings: but you also have to understand, as I’ve mentioned before, we spent no less than four weeks, for each, at the hospital directly after their birth. We understood how close we could have been to not bringing Caleb home at all and under those tense situations your perspective seems to shift.

You have to get to know the little boogers and being the odd man out, every father is though it’s never mentioned or talked out, is tough. I loved getting to know the little kippers because I got to figure out their personalities on my own. That’s part of the bond between a father and a son or daughter.

Remember this phrase, “I’m a good father.” This is a nice mantra to recite because it works as phrase that tells you what you’re supposed to be and also works as a reminder to tell you who you currently are, finally it lets you ask the phrase as a question. As long as you can provide proof to each phase of the phrase you’re doing alright.

bigsip said...

Thanks, Mullins.

I'm beginning to feel much better about Noah and myself. You, as a father, know exactly how I feel. You articulated it well.

We're bonding much better now. He's a really sweet kid and I love him. He seems to think I'm alright, too.

Thanks VERY much for sympathizing. That goes for the rest of y'all, too!