Thursday, August 31, 2006
I've been struggling all morning about whether or not to post this. But, I really need to just go ahead and say what I need to say and stop typing things then deleting them.
I was sitting on the couch last night, trying to relax when Rachel asked me if I wanted to hold Noah. I cringed at the thought. In fact, the thought of holding him made me almost angry. Why couldn't I just be left alone? I felt tired and irritable. I know part of it is the chronic sleep deprivation, but I also know that something's wrong with me.
I have awful thoughts about him sometimes. I don't know why, but I didn't have those kinds of thoughts about Luke. It was probably because I worked nights and I was sleeping during the day. I don't know what changed, but I can't seem to get close to Noah.
It's not like this constantly, just sometimes. But, I find myself not wanting to touch him or hold him or play with him. Rachel and I talked about this for a while last night. She's helping me a lot. She has had no PPD whatsoever with Luke or Noah, so she's a good example and a pillar of strength for me.
I just need prayers, please. I know it's a problems and I'm working through it. Fortunately, it seems to be pretty mild depression, so hopefully it won't last long. Y'all just pray for me and talk to me about it. I already feel so much better just telling Rachel and then telling my friends.