Saturday, October 28, 2006

Lovin' On The Cutting Board


This is from Mullins, not Brewster. Mullins can't seem to post, so all complaints should go to him. I'm just the messenger.

In six years of work at Scripps I’ve had the opportunity to see a lot of different “characters” muddle in obscurity and some of them shoot to the top of stardom. Though I’m not directly responsible for, or hardly connected to the 96% of those folks across HGTV, Food, DIY, Fine Living and GAC I still feel a bit connected to the process because without the little building I work in those people would not reach the rest of the world.

When I was working on The Best Of I first heard the name of what I then considered to be a sexy and fun little kitten named Rachel Ray. As things in life tend to do “we” (Rachel and I) have come to see things differently.

During a corporate meeting months before her first show hit the air I was introduced, via a 15ft television screen, to this vivacious, oddly sculpted and bubbly personality. What first attracted me to Ms. Ray at first is the same thing that has pulled in millions of viewers across the country many times during the week. That Polly Anna attitude, with nothing-much-to-see low cut blouses, and enrapturing giggle which slides through a perfectly supple mouth.

However, like old, slightly fractured eggs, week old warm milk, uncovered sun baked steak, something has spoiled. It’s been a slow process for me. One show was hardly enough, two was almost perfect. Two shows stripped out over the week was as awkward as the so-so girlfriend’s toiletries invading your space deodorant: fine, toothpaste & brush: fine, that poofy scrubby thing in the shower: too damn much! Three shows, the commitment is getting a bit claustrophobic, perhaps we need to see other people, is Wings on somewhere, please.

Then it happened… Each show on their prime-time slots began getting high numbers; the popularity wasn’t waning, in fact like a baker’s yeast it started to grow. Infectious giggles would wake me from my sleep, I realized that her ever so “Rubenesk” figure began to disappear, her nothing-much-to-see and Psalm inspired “declatee” was becoming something of the past. I had heard rumors about extended syndication and franchise opportunities, books, broadband, major sponsorship, product development and then perhaps one of the most male gut wrenching words ever “Oprah”.

The hippo of media conglomeration had taken a fancy for Rachel, not only had she taken a fancy but she saw potential. Having shat out and allowed to suckle the teat of success, Dr. Phil, her first prodigy was a dancing on the edge of super celebrity. Little did the world know my precious Rachel Ray was about to strap on the feed bag in Oprah’s troth and tap the ebony mammaries of an over saturated, super hyped, media monstrosity.

Last week as I pulled my wife’s first subscription issue of Everyday with Rachel Ray from the mailbox I felt a painfully electric twinge shoot through my body. Today, this very day, it hit me. After watching two and a half hours of Rachel Ray broadband clips, I hate Rachel Ray.

I can’t smell any sort of Cajun spice without hearing her tell me again and again in a dozen different ways that’s where her daddy is from. I like the way I prepare noodles and I don’t want her to tell me how it’s really done in Italy. Saying the word “arugula” doesn’t make me breakout into giggling fits, I don’t care what your favorite type of mushroom is and I sure as the world don’t want to have to hear it from your four hour block of programming on Food Network, every other pop up ad on-line and in the magazines that now seems to follow me from room to room in my own house. Unless you’re going to start playing Demi Moore’s part in the movie Ghost and get dirty with me at the spinning wheel quit shadowing me like an overly possessive, whiney, not nearly dead enough, Patrick Swayze.

I’m sorry Rachel, we had something special. It was beautiful and I will admit that I learned some kinky moves from you in the kitchen but I’ve had enough of you. If I smell something sweet in the air that I don’t recognize, I start to wonder if you’re stalking me in real life. If anyone giggles after slurping soup I begin to dry heave and convulse.

We’re finished, over, done, yes! We’re overdone, take me out because I have a feeling you’re going to consume me at the table of greasy, and grisly media super over saturation with a side of mid-western husk smoked corn on the cob, skin included because-who-has-the-time-to-peal-potatoes-these-days infused with garlic, and parmasion. Obviously the whole thing will be finished off with a light raspberry puree over a golden crepe filled with sugary sweet and walnut cream cheese. I’m sure you can fit me in before your first show at 2:30, maybe 6:00 or 6:30? If that doesn’t work perhaps I could be devoured around 9:00 or 9:30? Maybe after a busy day of media whoring a late night snack around 11:30 or midnight, just get it over with you over publicized giddy harpy, I’ll give you $40 for thirty minutes you ya saucy little tart.

19 comments:

Rachel said...

First of all, that pic demonstrates some mediocre photoshopping in my opinion. Second, you're right! She's just gone a bit too far, to the point of annoying. But who can blame her (or her publicist)? More money? Okay. More fame? Sure, that sounds good, too.

Jamison said...

Ive always and still do find her to be teeth-grindingly annoying... I literally heard her say "Oh, that looks great!" to a glass of ice watter being brought to her table.

And I knew the pic was fake because her breasts are smaler than even the ones in the pic...

Everyone loves her, yet my wife and I stand behind our anti-Rachel-Ray stance...

but, my wife has picked her magazine up from time to time...

Jamison said...

Oh, and Mullins...
If I hear her EVER say "EVOO" (in ref to Extra Virgin Olive Oil) I will single-handedly rip all the eyeballs out of the squirls in my back yard and fee them to the starving children that roam the empty chambers of my sad mind, seeking happiness and joy where they may devour it.

bigsip said...

So, you don't like Rachel Ray?

Brewster said...

I had no idea who she was until last week. Amy was flipping and stopped on her talk show. My only impression was 'why do we need another talk show?' followed by 'ugh, she's gonna have Oprah on, turn it.'

Now I see her everywhere.

mullinz8 said...

I hate to tell you guys this but this is NOT the product of a good (or mediocre) Photoshop artist. She had those done after her first show aired and the layout was published in FHM, a men’s magazine along the lines of Maxim. There was some talk about her show getting pulled because it was done without Food knowing about it. In an interview she said she didn’t believe FHM was serious when they approached her, eventually she met with the magazine and thought that she would try it because she had very little to lose at that point, plus, in her mind, she could help win the elusive young male audience to cooking shows.

Though Food was ticked she did it after the magazine came out her ratings went up. Women could get an entertaining cooking show and men could make up sordid fantasies about kitchen utensils.

Honest that is Rachel Ray, at least she says the five photos that appeared in the magazine are all her.

bigsip said...

It didn't look to me like she had much up top in these photos.

I've seen recent shows of her's and it appears she's still pretty flat.

But, Mullins probably has the inside scoop.

Anyway, I don't find her attractive AT ALL. It's like watching Richard Simmons' twim sister or something.

Jamison said...

Ugh, the fact that it is really her makes her even less attractive... lady, you have NO BOOBS! Quit dressing and bending over that 7 layer salad you just made like you DO!

And you are as annoying as a female cousin that doesn't know when to stop drinking caffine

kellieja said...

HAHAHAHA! I almost feel like I need to stick up for the itty bitty boobies of America.
I knew she had fans but I had no idea she had enemies.

Jamison said...

small boobs are not a problem, dont misunderstand me... but when you dress and act like you have huge, perky boobs... you gotta be told!

mullinz8 said...

Here is a short R. Ray story. There is a lady (Erin) I work with who used to work at Food in NYC and when RR came in for to do some promos for her first show. Erin offered to have a limo pick her up and make sure she had the usual things TV folks like to have like special coffee or foods. RR said she’d take the subway to the network and for Erin to not worry about anything else.

A year later Erin called RR back in to do some more promos. Erin wondered if RR would again want to take the subway in because she was such a low fuss guest. Erin says that RR was offended that someone of her on air status would be expected to take the subway for promo a shoot. She said she needed a limo and then suggested a list of things Food could do to make sure she was comfortable.

She had turned into a real butt head rather than staying the same “regular” person she had been before.

I have to say I’m not had too much experience with the IBB of America but I’ve been a fan of their work for many a year. RR can look pretty sexy but she needs to dress for her body type.

Brewster said...

Yeah girls with small boobs should just wear garbage bags.

Jesum, this place is nuts. A damned picture gets revoked and starts a huge debate over lustful activities. But a good looking live person, half naked and licking a chocolate spoon is only mocked because her tits aren't big enough.

Jamison said...

Oh Brew... you make me laugh at your observations of life...

coming you Knoxville mid november?

bigsip said...

Rachel Ray's just too weird and annoying to be attractive. Boobs or no boobs, she has a way of making me want to turn the channel.

Rachel said...

I actually was the teensiest bit offended when I saw the pic. I'm okay with it now but if Luke is around I try to keep it off the screen. I think everyone's just afraid to say anything because it could start up a repeat discussion on appropriateness.

Jamison said...

Whats not to like for a baby? Chocolate and boobs? Luke probably has dreams of a land filled with chocolate and boobies. Though, the lack there-of on Rachel Ray could make him start to tear up, ill grant you that. :)

mullinz8 said...

I often have dreams of chocolate covered boobies; rather it’s more of a Hershey’s syrup than a more solid milk chocolate. Those are the morning I wake up with the sheets wrapped up all around me, smothered in ecstasy and reluctant to yield to the alarm clock...

Josh, I think we’re all just joking about the boob thing, just like for guys “size doesn’t matter”.

Jamison any time in Nov is fine. Remeber though I've got a gig on the 18th.

Jamison said...

Call me sick, but what about that chocolate syrup that hardens and you have to crack / break it on boobies... it would be like being some sort of geologist... breaking through the rock to find the treasure

mullinz8 said...

I often have dreams of chocolate covered boobies; rather it’s more of a Hershey’s syrup than a more solid milk chocolate. Those are the morning I wake up with the sheets wrapped up all around me, smothered in ecstasy and reluctant to yield to the alarm clock...

Josh, I think we’re all just joking about the boob thing, just like for guys “size doesn’t matter”.